Я позволила себе отлынивать непозволительно долго, так что теперь буду наверстывать 
1A guy walks into the doctor`s office and says, "Doc, I haven`t had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn`t work, let me know."
A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!"
The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger", and prescribes a powerful laxative.
Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!"
The doctor, worried, says, "We`d better get some more information about you to try to figure out what`s going on. What do you go for a living?"
"I`m a musician."
The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that`s it! Here`s $10.00. Go get something to eat!"
2
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, Sir," the new recruit replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother`s funeral, she stopped in to see you."
3
A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked with the drummer, but his perfomance simply didn`t improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can`t handle his instrument and doesn`t improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can`t handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
4
For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped to purchase some popcorn.
Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn`t help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."
"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You`re really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now..."
5
A man really loved a woman, but his was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years, but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage much less living together.
But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone, "June."
"Yes, this is June."
"Will you marry me?"
"Of cource I will! Who`s this?"
6
Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place.
"It`s just too hot to wear clothes today," complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if i mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that i married you for your money."
7
Sue and Bob, a pair of tight wads, lived in the midwest, and had been married years. Bob had always want to go flying. The desire deepen each time a barnstormer flew into town to offer rides. Bob would ask, and Sue would say, "No way, ten dollars is ten dollars."
The years went pay, and Bob figured he didn`t have much longer, so he got Sue out to the show, explaining, it`s free to watch, let`s at least watch.
And once he got there the feeling became very strong. Sue and Bob started an argument.
The pilot, between flights, overheard, listened to they problem, and said, "I`ll tell you what, I`ll take you up flying, and if you don`t say a word the ride is on me, but if you utter one sound, you pay ten dollars.
So off they flew. The Pilot doing as many rolls and dives as he could - heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go, and pulling out of the dive at just the very last second. Not a word. Finally he admitted defeat and went back the airport.
"I`m surprised, why didn`t you say anything?"
"Well I almost said something when sue fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
8
At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends."The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!"
An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that`s all you want, get a TV!"
9
When I was younger I hated going to weddings; it seemed that all my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, "You`re next."
They stopped that kind of thing after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
10
A bum asks a man for $2.
The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
The bum said, "No."
The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn`t drink or gamble?"
11
A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet God and asks God if he can ask him a few questions.
"Sure," God says, "Go right ahead".
"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"
God says, "So you would like them."
"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"
"So you would LOVE them," God replies.
The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"
God says, "So they would love you!"
12
A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asks him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well, that`s fine, but it`s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."
The lawyer said, "Wait, wait! There`s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let`s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
13
Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which mode a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He`s moving!"
14
This guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in.
So Satan opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in cow manure up to their necks. The guy says, "No, please, show me the next room."
Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow manure up to their noses. And so he says no again.
Finally, Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea and eating cakes.
So the guy says, "I`ll choose this room." Satan says O.K.
The guy is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea thinking, "Well, it could be worse", when the door opens. Satan pops his head around, and says, "O.K. tea-break is over. Back on your heads!"
Я больше не позволю себе запускать это 
@музыка: радио "Моя семья" - я когда-нибудь прибью того, кто настроил эту волну
@темы: jokes